Some red flags don’t arrive wearing red. They arrive carrying umbrellas.

Looking back now, I laugh at how innocent everything seemed in the beginning.

5th of June.

It was raining heavily that morning and, as usual, I had forgotten my umbrella and then he appeared.

The charming colleague every woman secretly admired, he was the one with the brightest smile, effortless confidence and beautiful girlfriend everyone envied.

Without saying much, he handed me his umbrella.

“Use this,” he said.

It was a small gesture. Yet for someone who had secretly admired him for months, it felt much bigger.

What he didn’t know was that I had a crush on him and what I didn’t know was that this simple act of kindness would eventually become one of the biggest lessons of my life.

The following day, I returned the umbrella with a heart of gratitude. For a brief moment, our eyes met, till his girlfriend arrived. She was very beautiful, confident and everything I wished I could be.

I quietly walked away, but one thought kept replaying over and over in my mind, why would someone like him ever notice someone like me.

Months later, I got my answer in the form of a late-night phone call. I cannot even remember how that conversation lasted so long. I only remember agreeing to meet him at a nearby bar that evening and the unexpected happened, we kissed.

“I’m sorry it shouldn’t have happened.” I apologized but he smiled and said. “I’m not sorry we kissed.”

This was the moment I should’ve seen the red flag. He was willing to betray his girlfriend, the person he claimed to love.

We started seeing each other in secret and he would always say:

“I don’t know how you do it but I’m enchanted by your presence and I know I have a girlfriend but she isn’t as perfect as everyone thinks and I will end the relationship.”

I summoned courage on the 8th of December and broke up with him because I was tired of being in the shadows. Instead of letting me go, he took out his phone, called his girlfriend, and ended their relationship.

“I’ve ended it. Please, I can’t live without you. Give me another chance. Let me show you how much I love you.”

Tears rolled down his face as he spoke.

At the time, I thought his willingness to leave his girlfriend for me was proof of love. Today, I see it differently.

We officially became a couple.

Our colleagues crucified us. I was tagged the boyfriend snatcher, but the most ironic part was his ex-girlfriend, she walked up to me when no one was around and uttered one statement.

“You saved me from that relationship but I hope you would save yourself from it before it gets too late.”

I didn’t know how to make sense of that statement so I pressured her to explain better but she didn’t.

A few weeks later, precisely 21st of December, he began to get controlling. He would say:

“You don’t look good in that outfit, wear this instead.”

From time to time, he selected what I wore, what I ate, the friends I kept and those I should ignore. Even making complaint whenever I replied too late.

Then, I thought it was his way of showing love, but the warning signs were there from the very beginning. I simply didn’t know how to recognize them.

Before I knew it, I was explaining every decision I made and this became a roller coaster.

He spoilt me with many expensive gifts, we even made many skits on social media, that some of our colleagues envied our relationship, and tagged us as the perfect couple.

Two years after, during our anniversary I noticed that he was a bit distracted, although he was always distracted sometimes but that anniversary was very obvious. He was constantly texting on his phone and my heart rate went up, because I had a feeling that he was cheating. Carefully I was able to get hold of his phone the next day, I checked his Snap and the kind of things I saw made me remembered his ex-girlfriend earlier statement when I started this relationship.

I should have known that a person willing to betray someone for you may eventually betray you too.

I challenged him but it only made him angrier that I went through his phone without his knowledge, which was the same thing he usually does. That evening, we broke up.

I believed I was different and our love was unique but I was wrong. The first red flag wasn’t his controlling behaviour. It was his character. I simply mistook charm for character.

THE RED FLAG ALERT 🚩

1. He cheated on his girlfriend while still claiming to love her.
2. He promised to end a relationship he had no intention of ending.
3. He slowly began controlling what I wore, who I spoke to, and how I spent my time.
4. He demanded explanations for behaviours he excused in himself.
5. He used gifts and affection as a distraction from his unhealthy patterns.

DIARY REFLECTION

One of the most dangerous mistakes people make is believing they are the exception.

When someone treats another person badly, we often convince ourselves they would never do the same to us. That assumption kills faster that death.

MY DIARY QUOTE

Don’t mistake charm for character.