My neighbour once told me that there’s a strange feeling people often mistake for love. It starts with a smile and says, “I’m only protecting you.” Months later, it has a new name which is control

Last summer, I took a short leave from work. For the first time in months, life slowed down enough for me to notice what was missing.

My friends were celebrating anniversaries, weddings, new babies, and new beginnings. Meanwhile, I had become married to my work. I convinced myself that career success was enough. Until it wasn’t.

The idea of having a partner became a paramount feeling that I began to acknowledge, and finally I met someone at a work seminar I attended.

Normally, I wouldn’t have entertained anyone but I wasn’t getting any younger and I craved the beautiful relationship I saw in my friends.

He ticked everything I ever wanted in a man and more. So, I created time from my work schedule to be with him, I jokingly called him Mr. Right because everything about him felt right but I was too quick to forget that there’s never a perfect person.

He had flaws and those flaws were excused as jealousy.

At first, it sounded sweet hearing him say, “When you are at work, church or anywhere, stay alone. I just don’t like seeing other guys around you.”

Later he would get possessive and say, “Delete that contact.”

I figured it wasn’t ideal after I started feeling drained from the routine of jealousy, but whenever we spoke about it, he gets very angry and makes utterances like:

“You look cheap when you’re being nice with other guys so just stay the hell away from them.”

I’d feel hurt and leave but he would come back to me, feeling remorse and saying:

“You are my world. I’m only trying to protect you.”

We got back together and he was less controlling. But something changed, he always seemed to know where I had been, who I had spoken to, which colleague stood beside me during lunch. Even conversations I never told him about.

Later, I discovered that some of his friends regularly reported my movements to him.

“Quit your job.” He said.

We were back to square one in the suffocating jealousy. His excuse was that I’m naive and he doesn’t want anyone to take advantage of my good heart.

Back then, I thought he actually loved me so much that I became his first priority but I was wrong. I mistook possessiveness for protection.

I only realized how serious it had become when he invaded my chats, and started replying to my messages himself, warning every male friend to stay away from me. As if that wasn’t enough, he insisted I stop talking to my male cousins.

Apparently, I could only be friends with people he approved of.

One evening we had a heart to heart talk:

“I can’t be with someone that makes me feel like a prisoner. What exactly are you insecure about?” I asked in a broken voice, as tears dropped from my eyes.

I love him so much and I know he feels the same way but it was obvious that we needed to fix his insecurities before we can move forward.

“I have nothing to be insecure about. I know you love me.” He replied casually and it broke my heart further because it felt like the relationship was already broken and he didn’t even know it.

However, I was determined to fix us not break up.

So I said, “Because I love you I don’t need to act overprotective, over jealous or controlling so can you try not to be like that anymore?”

He glared at me, and his next words left me in shock. “Maybe you don’t love me as much as you should. So if you don’t want this relationship anymore you don’t need to beat around the bush. Goodbye.”

He left. My broken heart was completely shattered and at that moment I realized that our relationship didn’t suddenly collapse, it started from the very beginning when jealousy was disguised as love.

Two months later, he called me repeatedly. He apologized and mentioned that he had started therapy. He explained that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was finally getting help.

I was genuinely happy for him because healing is a beautiful decision but healing does not erase the damage already done. Nor does it guarantee immediate change.

I had run out of chances. Sometimes loving someone also means admitting that you are no longer the right person to walk beside them while they heal.

THE RED FLAG ALERT 🚩

1. Jealousy disguised as protection.
2. Gradual isolation from friends and family.
3. Monitoring your activities without your consent.
4. Controlling who you can communicate with.
5. Using love as justification for controlling behaviour.

DIARY REFLECTION

Healthy love creates freedom while possessive love creates fear. So, someone who truly loves you will protect your peace, not imprison your independence, because there is a difference between caring where your partner is and believing you have the right to control where they go.

MY DIARY QUOTE

Don’t mistake possessiveness for protection.