October was when I learnt one of my hardest lessons.

Manipulation comes in many forms. Some people use anger, some use tears. Others would never raise their voices. Instead, they make you feel guilty for choosing yourself. I learned this lesson during my first year at university.

I was trying to find balance in my academics so I don’t get withdrawn after my first year, then came one of my female course-mate. I sat beside her during a lecture and noticed she was extremely brilliant.

An idea popped into my mind, so I talked to her about private tutorials. She wasn’t trilled with the idea at first but I tipped her some cash then she agreed.

The tutorials went on for months. Everyday, we either studied physically or virtually or both, sometimes I would deliberately extend our study sessions to spend more time with her because she was undeniably pretty, with a good sense of humour.

I bravely asked her on a date and along the way our relationship began.

I had everything I wanted. A brilliant girl, a remote work that pays, and a good grade.

However, the relationship began to take another turn when she realized that I wasn’t sorting all her bills again. She even went as far as making up a convincing story, that her closest uncle died and she needed some money to sort a few expenses, only to find out that there was no dead uncle. The moment I challenged her lies, she started the tears and I forgave her.

For months, I thought I was helping her because I knew she was an emotional person but in reality, I was teaching her that tears could change my decisions.

Whenever I disagreed with her decisions, her tears were ready to flow uncontrollably till I give in. I ignored my instincts, and rewarded her behaviour.

The lies never arrived alone, they came wrapped in different dramas, carefully designed to gain my sympathy.

Each time I ignored my instincts and gave in, I strengthened a pattern that was slowly poisoning the relationship. Before long, our relationship was no longer built on trust. It was built on guilt and guilt is a terrible foundation for love.

So, I ended things but what I didn’t realize was the fact that she was willing to hurt herself to control me, until I was back in the relationship.

This time we had an in-depth conversation of how her manipulative tears needed to stop for our relationship to work.

We were back on the same page until she openly entertained another guy in my presence.

Her excuse; “I was only being friendly and nice.”

I disagreed with that excuse because I knew the intention of the other guy wasn’t the same. The next thing she did was accused me for trying to be controlling. But then, her last statement left me stunned.

“This has gone too far. We are over.”

For a moment, I stood there in silence.

I found it ironic because this was the same person who once cried, begged, and even hurt herself to keep the relationship, but she’s s now willing to walk away over a simple disagreement.

That was when I finally understood something. Our relationship had never been about love but control. It justifies the tears, guilt, emotional outbursts. They were never signs of commitment but tools and they no longer worked. So, I walked away and never looked back.

THE RED FLAG ALERT 🚩

1. Frequent emotional outbursts whenever boundaries were set.
2. Using tears to avoid accountability.
3. Repeated lies designed to gain sympathy.
4. Self-harm used as a tool to prevent a breakup.
5. Making one partner responsible for the other’s emotional wellbeing.

DIARY REFLECTION

A person can be genuinely emotional and still be manipulative. This means compassion is important in relationships, but compassion without boundaries can become a prison.

Love should inspire understanding, not guilt. So, the moment you find yourself constantly sacrificing your peace to manage someone else’s emotions, it may be time to step back and examine the relationship more closely.

MY DIARY QUOTE

Don’t mistake manipulation for vulnerability.