I knew from the onset that my neighbour wasn’t good for me but some people don’t fall in love with a person. They fall in love with the person’s potential and I was one of those people.

I believed everyone deserves to be loved but what I didn’t know was that love alone cannot heal someone who isn’t ready to heal themselves.

January 4th.

I made a bold move to approach my crush. Of course, I knew that no one could change anyone but you could at least give them reasons to change. He just needed to see the reasons, so I thought.

We began talking and became closer, and I was right. He never had it easy growing up. From failed parenting to being independent at a young age, it created a huge void that he believed only hard drugs and liquor could fill.

He would say:

“I am not good for you or anyone. You should stay away before it gets too late.”

He was wrong and I was determined to prove my point but maybe I shouldn’t have completely ignored his warnings.

March 5th.

It being three months since we started talking and I have come to know a few friends of his, they were also stoners. Occasionally when they came over, we would talk, laugh, eat like everything was normal until the dealer brings the illegal substances. Hours later, I would have to clean up their mess.

The next day, he would apologize for their behaviours and promise to change one day because he didn’t want to ruin what we had.

“How about you don’t make promises but take the first step by changing your circle of friends.” My words were barely a whisper.

I didn’t know how he would react, and I didn’t want him to feel like I was trying to control him but if he truly wanted to change then he had to take the hardest steps.

He frowned but I held his hands gently and quietly explained how his choice of friends were big influences in his life, and how he could still maintain his friendship with them but from a short distance.

“Please, think about it. And always remember that I am here to stay.” I whispered and kissed him passionately before leaving him to take it all in.

August 24th.

Finally, his circle of friends changed. Although, he had to change his apartment, his number and place of work for that to successfully happen. I was so excited because it took months to get him to see things differently and the best part was that we were now staying together. This way I could monitor his progress and so far he’s been sobering up until an incident happened on my home.

It was late and the road was very messy, so I had a go through a shorter route. The corner was a quiet narrow road filled with stoners, people usually avoid this route but my boyfriend and I have taken the route a few times without any issues. I noticed some thugs following me from behind so I hastened my steps and dialled my boyfriend’s number, explaining my situation before I was surrounded. My phone was seized, my bag was taken but they weren’t satisfied, they started harassing me until my boyfriend showed up.

One of the guys recognizes him. Then says:

“Leave her.”

They immediately obeyed and returned my belongings. Then causally, my man spoke their slangs and thanked them. Nothing frightened me more than that.

“I am sorry.” He apologized on their behalf on getting home, but I was still in shock so I didn’t let him touch me.

The next day, I didn’t want to give him a cold shoulder because nothing was his fault, instead he helped me but I couldn’t stop myself wondering if he ever really changed. He understood their slangs, shake hands with them and they let me go.

“You are having second thought about our relationship because of what happened yesterday, aren’t you?” He asked, interrupting my thought.

I shook my head. “Not really,”

He chuckled lightly and began pacing to and fro. I trued to calm him and explain that I wasn’t having doubts but needed reassurance that he already let go of that part of himself.

“What if I can’t reassure you? Because I know that you are walking on eggshells with me. I am damaged and there’s no changing that.” He yelled and tears rolled down my eyes.

I have done everything right with him, forsaken my friends’ advice, given him my all and just one doubt that I feel, he was yelling and throwing everything away.

Before I could speak, he walked out and by the time he would return, it was midnight. I had called several times to no avail, sent multiple texts but no response and just when I was thinking of going to the station first thing in the morning to report him missing, he showed up very intoxicated.

I watched him fall asleep on the couch after he puked on the floor. I cleaned the mess in tears and made up my mind.

I sat beside him when he was fully awake and began:

“I love you. I really do but for us to move forward with our relationship you need to go for therapy.”

He scoffed and stood.

“I know that you would eventually get tired of me. I didn’t even expect our relationship to last this long.” He said nonchalantly.

I thought we were in this together, but looks like he already gave up and was back to square one.

“I am not tired of you. I knew exactly what I signed up for and I will choose you over and over again.” I said with determination.

Instead it riled him up.

“Then why are you trying so hard to change me…” he yelled, the bitterness in his voice stung my heart.

He didn’t care how his words were hurting me, he continued. “You made me change my friends, my job and even relocated. All for what exactly? You?”

I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn’t. He was intentionally hurting me so I could leave but I won’t.

“I don’t care what you say or do. You won’t get rid of me that easily.” I said.

However, that night was the last night we had together because before I woke up he already packed his belongings and left. Leaving behind a note:

“Don’t look for me, you won’t find me because you deserve a better person that won’t make you cry.”

The heartbreak hit me so hard that I cried my eyes out. Slowly, I folded the note and placed it inside my diary.

It took me months to realize that he was right about one thing, I deserved better. Not because he wasn’t worthy of love but because love cannot replace healing. Some battles are too personal for someone else to fight.

THE RED FLAG ALERT 🚩

1. Don’t assume love can change someone who isn’t ready to change.
2. Ignoring repeated warnings because you believe you’ll be different.
3. Sacrificing your own peace to rescue someone else.
4. Mistaking potential for progress.
5. Becoming responsible for another person’s healing.

DIARY REFLECTION

Maybe loving someone is beautiful but trying to save them at the cost of yourself isn’t.

Therefore, your support can encourage change but transformation is always a personal decision. So, never build a future with someone’s potential. Build it with their reality.

MY DIARY QUOTE

Don’t sacrifice yourself trying to save someone else.